I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Your penis caused this!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
