so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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