i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I have surprise drugs for everyone
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
