Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
