Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
