I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
