Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
