just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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