I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
