this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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