Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
