there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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