why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
