and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
