I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
