All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
there is glitter all over my balls
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
