Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
