i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
