Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
