You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
