if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
