i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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