I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
