you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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