just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
