I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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