I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
