sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
