Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
