My Higher Power is John Stamos
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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