I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
