the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
