now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
