And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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