am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
FUCK WHALES
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
