Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you made out with another girl for some wings
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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