I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
