y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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