It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
