I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
