I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
