I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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