Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
