My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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