just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
