I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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