i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
