She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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