so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
