WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
