Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
